Events in my life over the past few weeks have led to a re-opening of some old emotional wounds that I had thought at least mostly healed.
A friend of mine is dying of cancer, and I was deposed today in a "wrongful death" case of another friend.
The funny thing is, that the friend dying of cancer really re-opened the memories of the loss of my partner Eric in '94. I grieved his loss for a very long time and wondered how things could have been different.
What has come from that though is I now look back on those times with fondness, and I often smile. Why? Because it is he who finally helped me see that I was loved and could love. We were together for 5 years and we never fought, we never raised our voices at eachother - we had some discussions over differences of opinion, but we were both intelligent adults that knew how to work through the rough spots.
We were AIDS activists in a small NC military town. We made a major difference. Our lives had purpose and we followed that purpose together.
We had a wonderful life together. It is something I will never forget. I will always love him. That doesn't mean I will never love that way again, it just means he will never leave my heart.
In a concert on Saturday, June 18, I shared him with the audience. I believe I said his name and talked more about him in public than I had in the last 10 years.
I am so thankful for my friends and my adopted "family" of brothers that have been here for me through all of this. I thank my band of brothers, Triangle Gay Men's Chorus for helping me through and giving me the opportuinity to tell them and our wonderful audience about Eric. I am also very thankful for the music of Mark Weigle. I had the opportunity to meet him last year and he has some wonderful insight into life. His music is a celebration of life and I thank him for it.
I have a new-found peace about my love for Eric, I smile more when I think about him and our lives together. Remembering him is no longer about the loss, it is about the gift of love and life he gave me that I will never forget.
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
Of Trolls and Self-Respect
I follow a couple of other blogs here on blogspot. (see the sidebar)
On one of those blogs, there are (were) some pretty outspoken “Trolls”.
Well, what they basically do, their whole purpose in Internet life is to create a disruption. They live to piss people off. They get off on knowing that they have pushed every emotional button of as many people as possible as often as possible.
They go to places where they know what they say will get people so riled up that those folks focus on rebuking the trolls and forget why they are on the blog. It becomes all about the troll.
Even when the “victims” of these senseless acts of verbal violence are aware of what is going on, the desire – no, the need to put the troll “in his (her) place" becomes paramount.
Unfortunately, yours truly fell into that horrible trap. I must admit that for me it became very easy to get sucked in to the whole “need to be right” mentality.
Damn, on some occasions, I said some stuff that I ended up regretting. I managed, however to forgive myself, and I know that many of the “normal” folk on that blog understand.
Now I'll go ahead and tell you why I'm talking about this here. What do trolls have to do with Queer Christians?
Glad you asked.
So here is the connection:
We are all face at one time or another by someone who, intentionally or not, is going to “push our buttons.”
This is a fact of life. Its unavoidable, and in the context of homosexuality and Christianity, is a central theme to many conversations that arise when we are trying to share our views with, to put it fairly, Christians who do not view that Queerness is in keeping with Christian teaching. When we are faced with people who tell us that being Queer is a sin and we are not deserving of Christ, it can cut to our very core.
In the past weeks, as I have shared my frustrations with friends, it had occurred to me that not all anti-Queer Christians are coming from a hateful and/or hurtful attitude. After all, they are following a doctrine that many of them have been involved in all of their lives. Not all of them are really saying that God hates Queers. They just say, and believe that it is a sin.
This doctrine has been handed down for hundreds of years.
I am only being slightly apologetic.
(There are a myriad of sins, and, even in the context of saying that being Queer is not a sin, we are in very good company when it comes to sinning – a small, but, I think in a way, wonderful fact that we all, as human beings, have in common.)
I have very little control over how someone believes. I talk to them how Christ's love has been good for me, that love being shown through the caring people at my church. I can't hope to change anyone's mind in a day. I am open about who I am and in doing so, I hope to put a face on what many do not know about first-hand.
I found it very easy to feel personally attacked by those trolls – especially when they kept insisting that being gay is a sin, even in the face of such overwhelming discussion illustrating the opposite viewpoint.
I, as many of us would, I suppose, got very angry, hateful and just plain mean. Then I finally asked myself, “what am I trying to prove here?” It's easy to hate your “enemies.” So I decided that – since obviously we were going to continue to disagree on this point – to let it go. Sometimes I can't get through to someone. Sometimes I have to admit to myself that I can walk away – it doesn't meant I'm weak. It doesn't mean I am admitting that they are right. It is ruining my peace of mind.
The way I saw it, if I began to act in a way where I was letting them get to me, that's when I was going to let them win.
So, instead I decided to talk in a loving, caring way, regardless of how they behaved. I wasn't always successful, but that was my goal. That is my goal now, and I will try to live up to it.
For you, my Queer brothers and sisters, I hope to offer this bit of hope to you:
Know in your heart that Christ loves you. As fallible, regular, everyday, normal humans that we are.
Regular, fallible, normal, everyday humans may try to tell you otherwise. Just remember, Jesus speaks for Himself and The Word tells us that we are loved and treasured, just like everyone else.
On one of those blogs, there are (were) some pretty outspoken “Trolls”.
Well, what they basically do, their whole purpose in Internet life is to create a disruption. They live to piss people off. They get off on knowing that they have pushed every emotional button of as many people as possible as often as possible.
They go to places where they know what they say will get people so riled up that those folks focus on rebuking the trolls and forget why they are on the blog. It becomes all about the troll.
Even when the “victims” of these senseless acts of verbal violence are aware of what is going on, the desire – no, the need to put the troll “in his (her) place" becomes paramount.
Unfortunately, yours truly fell into that horrible trap. I must admit that for me it became very easy to get sucked in to the whole “need to be right” mentality.
Damn, on some occasions, I said some stuff that I ended up regretting. I managed, however to forgive myself, and I know that many of the “normal” folk on that blog understand.
Now I'll go ahead and tell you why I'm talking about this here. What do trolls have to do with Queer Christians?
Glad you asked.
So here is the connection:
We are all face at one time or another by someone who, intentionally or not, is going to “push our buttons.”
This is a fact of life. Its unavoidable, and in the context of homosexuality and Christianity, is a central theme to many conversations that arise when we are trying to share our views with, to put it fairly, Christians who do not view that Queerness is in keeping with Christian teaching. When we are faced with people who tell us that being Queer is a sin and we are not deserving of Christ, it can cut to our very core.
In the past weeks, as I have shared my frustrations with friends, it had occurred to me that not all anti-Queer Christians are coming from a hateful and/or hurtful attitude. After all, they are following a doctrine that many of them have been involved in all of their lives. Not all of them are really saying that God hates Queers. They just say, and believe that it is a sin.
This doctrine has been handed down for hundreds of years.
I am only being slightly apologetic.
(There are a myriad of sins, and, even in the context of saying that being Queer is not a sin, we are in very good company when it comes to sinning – a small, but, I think in a way, wonderful fact that we all, as human beings, have in common.)
I have very little control over how someone believes. I talk to them how Christ's love has been good for me, that love being shown through the caring people at my church. I can't hope to change anyone's mind in a day. I am open about who I am and in doing so, I hope to put a face on what many do not know about first-hand.
I found it very easy to feel personally attacked by those trolls – especially when they kept insisting that being gay is a sin, even in the face of such overwhelming discussion illustrating the opposite viewpoint.
I, as many of us would, I suppose, got very angry, hateful and just plain mean. Then I finally asked myself, “what am I trying to prove here?” It's easy to hate your “enemies.” So I decided that – since obviously we were going to continue to disagree on this point – to let it go. Sometimes I can't get through to someone. Sometimes I have to admit to myself that I can walk away – it doesn't meant I'm weak. It doesn't mean I am admitting that they are right. It is ruining my peace of mind.
The way I saw it, if I began to act in a way where I was letting them get to me, that's when I was going to let them win.
So, instead I decided to talk in a loving, caring way, regardless of how they behaved. I wasn't always successful, but that was my goal. That is my goal now, and I will try to live up to it.
For you, my Queer brothers and sisters, I hope to offer this bit of hope to you:
Know in your heart that Christ loves you. As fallible, regular, everyday, normal humans that we are.
Regular, fallible, normal, everyday humans may try to tell you otherwise. Just remember, Jesus speaks for Himself and The Word tells us that we are loved and treasured, just like everyone else.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
