Events in my life over the past few weeks have led to a re-opening of some old emotional wounds that I had thought at least mostly healed.
A friend of mine is dying of cancer, and I was deposed today in a "wrongful death" case of another friend.
The funny thing is, that the friend dying of cancer really re-opened the memories of the loss of my partner Eric in '94. I grieved his loss for a very long time and wondered how things could have been different.
What has come from that though is I now look back on those times with fondness, and I often smile. Why? Because it is he who finally helped me see that I was loved and could love. We were together for 5 years and we never fought, we never raised our voices at eachother - we had some discussions over differences of opinion, but we were both intelligent adults that knew how to work through the rough spots.
We were AIDS activists in a small NC military town. We made a major difference. Our lives had purpose and we followed that purpose together.
We had a wonderful life together. It is something I will never forget. I will always love him. That doesn't mean I will never love that way again, it just means he will never leave my heart.
In a concert on Saturday, June 18, I shared him with the audience. I believe I said his name and talked more about him in public than I had in the last 10 years.
I am so thankful for my friends and my adopted "family" of brothers that have been here for me through all of this. I thank my band of brothers, Triangle Gay Men's Chorus for helping me through and giving me the opportuinity to tell them and our wonderful audience about Eric. I am also very thankful for the music of Mark Weigle. I had the opportunity to meet him last year and he has some wonderful insight into life. His music is a celebration of life and I thank him for it.
I have a new-found peace about my love for Eric, I smile more when I think about him and our lives together. Remembering him is no longer about the loss, it is about the gift of love and life he gave me that I will never forget.
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2 comments:
hey, buy some recent archiving of the antichrist site I read that your a musician. What do you play? Im a musicain myself, mainly a pianist but I also sing opera and play the trumpet, trombone, and french horn from my years in band.
I am primarily a singer - I play keyboard.
I guess if I was in the mood, I could still play mallets and concert percussion.
I have taken up guitar, mandolin and fiddle.
Here is my web site:
http://kevintillman.homedns.org
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